Have you ever looked at someone and immediately felt a connection? Your soul connects with theirs in a subtle, gentle quick moment. As you look them into their eyes, you can see the depths of their being. You feel as if you are them and they are you. You know dominance is not of your nature but you want them on many different levels. This is me. and how I am finding my way back to this very soul.
When I was younger, there was a game I used to play. I made it up mentally, physically and emotionally to give myself the open door for immaturity. I played the game so well I began to believe in my lies, to feel sorrow for myself. I pushed you around, even shoved you at times just to have my freedom. You came back each time, breaking my childish brick wall that I held tightly onto. This repeated cycle became too much and I began to think about you more and more. In my decisions, I felt for you. I slowly no longer wanted to play this game. But to my admittingly surprise, the game had a mind of its own. Stuck could not and would not describe how I felt. I was no longer in my control.
Because of this very thing, I pushed and pushed. I swan away and exited the possibly of you and I. WE could never be so close. I wondered at times if you knew how much this pained me, would you forgive me for the outcomes I know I that I produced. would you give me a chance to redeem myself or was redemption, too, far long gone? Depression seeped in. I just wanted to escape from the own mental. I continued on with the agony but in the crevices of my heart, I longed for you.
There have been many chances to regain the strength I lost as I continued to lose you. I felt weak but it was better to look the other way than to show those around me what I have become. I never wanted to expose my darkness, my bitterness, my hatred. I would be looked at differently. but you, you have already seen this. I could not hide from you even if I dared to. This brought to me an ease, knowing there was at least one who truly knew me. Opportunities came and left for us to unite and become the team players of our own lives. I know that I chose to let these opportunities pass me by. I was never too bold to face what I really needed to.
At some point, I was not only exposed but you were too. Oh , there you are. The beautiful you. I seen your darkness and light too. I felt a familiarity fall back into my senses. I was not back tracking but walking, at a steady pace, towards you. Not too fast like the wind in which you could not see. Not too slow that you will be able to track my steps. The more I walked toward you the better I felt. The urge to be with you. The urge to look for you. It has not and will never be a coincidence. I picked you, souly, and that is all that I am holding on to for now.